Darke Reviews | Geostorm (2017)

There were no Thursday night screenings of this one. That’s probably a good thing. Regardless since I heard MovieBob discuss it in his movies no one asked for/worst movies prediction at the beginning of the year I had to admit curiosity. I do love a good disaster flick, I love a bad one too as long as I am entertained. They are flat out a guilty pleasure and no one does them better than Roland Emmerich who gave us such amazing classics like Independence Day, Godzilla 98, The Day After Tomorrow, and 2012. So when I heard about this I knew I was in for a ride like those.

What?

What do you mean he’s not involved? It’s just Dean Devlin? But you don’t get one without the other on these….well that’s odd. Guessing he was busy, but it is odd. Let’s not kid ourselves on this one, it’s not a movie you are asking if you will see or not. It’s a movie you are asking:

Just how bad is it?

It looks like we have an original script by Paul Guyot, who has mostly written and produced for TV with shows like Leverage and the Librarians; which has Dean Devlin as a producer. That explains the joint writing credit. So here’s how I imagine the pitch went.

It’s late after shooting an episode of Leverage in 2012. The writers room is dark save a single burning bulb shining through a half emptied bottle of Jack. Paul and Dean have just finished watching the dailies for the episode and one of them, probably Dean goes. “You know what Paul…I’ve been working with Roland for years. I know how to do a disaster movie. He didn’t have me involved in his movie 2012, but I bet we could do better.”

“Oh, what do you have in mind?”

“What if…” takes another shot of Jack then holds out his hands, “hear me out, but what if we learned to control global warming.”

“Why not just fix it?”

“Bah too ridiculous. Let’s just control it. That’s how we do things; but then! THEN someone goes and turns it into a weapon and only one man can stop it.”

“I am not drunk enough yet. Pour me another and I will start writing…”

Then Devlin because of his track record is able to get a budget. a greenlight, and a cast and starts shooting. No, there’s nothing more complex to the plot. It literally is as the trailer delivered where the man who oversaw construction of the satellite is sent back for one last mission after it starts doing things it shouldn’t. It has all the markings of previous films of it’s ilk that were mentioned above and add the Core for more benefit too. The plot is paper thin and motivations are even thinner. The script is as predictable as they come and the destruction is not nearly as prevalent as the trailer would lead you to believe. I was hoping for good disaster porn but alas no.

This movie was supposed to come out around 2014, but initial screenings indicated it was so bad it was literally unwatchable. It looks like Devlin was in over his head on this one, in my head canon we can blame the Jack. It’s as good a theory as any. The more likely one is that with full control he didn’t know what to do with himself. The best directors either have clear vision or a sounding board who tells them no. My best friend and I plot ideas for games and stories all the time and it usually has the following words at least twice, “That’s good, but I don’t think it will work, what if we did this…”

I don’t think that happened here. Jerry Bruckheimer (National Treasure, Armageddon..heyyyy wait a minute), or at least his company, was brought in for re-shoots, editing, and some supplementary direction as near as I can tell; but he has no credits on this.

I could talk about Gerard Butler (Olympus has Fallen, 300) and Jim Sturgess (Stonehearst Asylum, Cloud Atlas) acted as brothers. This would imply there was acting. They mostly sleep walk through the movie. Andy Garcia as the president mugs for the camera in competition with Ed Harris. I think Garcia won. What surprised me amdist the dull acting, horrific dialogue, and predictable beats was the women. I mean surprise isn’t the right word, but I guess pleased to see someone tried? Talitha Eliana Bateman was probably the first person in the movie that made me realize at least someone was trying. It’s sad when the 13 year old (at the time) was the best actress in the movie. Zazie Beetz (soon to be seen as Domino in Deadpool 2) had more personality than most as a hacker, while Abbie Cornish (Robocop, Sucker Punch) can’t catch a cinematic break is honestly the most bad ass.

Technicals I guess? The destruction is…ah no it’s really not that good. It has its age and while they could have been more interesting they largely recycled ideas shown in ‘better’ movies. The editing is laughable, the blocking worse. There’s nothing good here. It is watchable, but the reshoots and editing somehow barely made it so.

TL;DR

It is bad. It is worthy of MST3K. It is worthy of beer and pretzels. It is worthy of  drinking game.

It is not worth your money.

I have to admit though I was entertained but only at how bad it was and by Abbie Cornish and Zazie Beetz.

So should I see it?

If you have HBO or the like when it comes out and nothing better to do with 2 hours and a bottle of Jack (or other) of your own? Maybe.

Will you buy it?

HAhah…no.

Anything else this week?

No. I have a vacation coming for my birthday and won’t be near a movie theatre. Wellllll I might have a surprise later tonight, nothing new though.

EDIT UPDATE: In light of the death of Robert Guillaume, who I watched a lot as a little girl on Benson, I won’t be doing the review of The Core I had planned to do tonight. Doesn’t feel right.

Review Trivia?

When I was writing Olympus Has Fallen, I had to retype it 5 times. I kept combining other bad Butler movies, like Gods of Egypt and London has Fallen.

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